We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.