If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.