Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You Might Also Like
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.