The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Super Hand Dog Face
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Who’s your best friend?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”