He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
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i love meeting boys on tinder
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong