if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Sunday
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Not all heroes wear capes.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day