[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
You Might Also Like
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Not today
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”