I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Your honor these allegations are
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
what’s really going on
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
A short story about romance.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.