*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
You Might Also Like
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent