me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Don’t touch that.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by