A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Woke up against my better judgement again
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
All food is good if you spell it wrong