My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?