Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.