my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain