Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[on my way back to the posting caves]
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
philosophical skeletons be like
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.