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Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.