Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there