Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I put the p in pants.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote