Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”