In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You Might Also Like
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book