I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
mathematically impossible
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
podcasts
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”