There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)