if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
This is I, Robot all over again
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.