Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Lmfaoooooo
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal