Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.