I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.