Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
this country is so goddamn polarized
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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