Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*