Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.