Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”