I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
You Might Also Like
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya