Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
pat pat
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂