[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Might Also Like
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Oh thanks BBC.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone