Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Just parrot things
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy