Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.