BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?