captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You Might Also Like
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me irl
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.