I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You Might Also Like
had to share :’)
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤