Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
You Might Also Like
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
fixed it
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it