CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.