Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people