Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My dog learned how to text
Succinctly put.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it