If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
this came to me in a vision