I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.