[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*serious situation*
My brain:
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.