got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem