Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries