Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Morning.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother