Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
LOL
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.