MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Yup
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.